


'cause i felt this deep connection when you looked in my eyes

by karish



Category: Tenet (2020)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, but it all ends well!!, idiots to lovers, there is so much pining here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:06:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29551845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karish/pseuds/karish
Summary: He was afraid this would happen one day, but he didn’t think it would be this soon. He wasn’t prepared for this. For Neil to leave, or to find someone else, or to just get tired of him. If he had known that their last time together would truly be their last time ever, he would have prepared himself for it somehow.
Relationships: Neil/The Protagonist (Tenet)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	'cause i felt this deep connection when you looked in my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a short and sweet fic about Neil falling asleep at The Protagonist's place, but it turned into 6k of mutual pining, friends with benefits induced angst, but tbh I'm not mad about it. 
> 
> As always, I gave The Protagonist a name, and David fits him best, imo. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! <3

Being the head of Tenet has taught David that there aren’t many things one can be sure of. What’s happened, happened, but everything in life depended on so many variables, that being sure of something was usually not a luxury they could afford. Which is why, at this point in his life, David was sure of only three things.

First, he would never get over Neil’s death. No matter how much time has passed, David would never get the image of Neil walking away from him, and towards his imminent death, out of his mind. Second, entering into a friends with benefits agreement with the guy was probably the dumbest thing he’s ever done. Third, he was completely in love with him, and he has no idea how or when exactly that happened.

Somehow, Neil turned his whole life around from the moment they met all these years ago in Mumbai. Neil was smart, beautiful, quick-witted, and perhaps a tiny bit unhinged, but so unbelievably kind that David didn’t really stand a chance. Yet, upon their first meeting, David never imagined that Neil would become the most important person in his life. He had no idea that in a few weeks’ time he would be mourning his newfound friend, and that from that moment on, he would never quite lose the overwhelming sense of guilt he’s beginning to know all too well. If David’s being honest with himself, he’s pretty sure he started falling for Neil when they spent the memorable week together locked in a shipping container. That was when he saw a different side of Neil, the caring and nurturing one while he took care of Kat, and the more honest and soft-spoken one while talking to him and answering all his questions. David’s pretty sure this is when his curiosity and affection for the man turned into something more. This is why Neil’s death hit him _hard_. Not only had Neil known him for _years_ , but he also sacrificed himself for David. David had no idea how to live with that.

Neil was the one who taught David that what’s happened, happened, and that’s why David knew that no matter what he did, he would end up recruiting Neil in the future, and they would end up becoming real friends. Back in the day, that thought made David feel both thrilled and terrified. Now, years later, David resigned himself to always being quietly in love with Neil as he watched him grow into the person he first met. Some nights he still woke up crying, feeling sorry for himself over how unfair their fates were, how unfair it was that their days were numbered, that he will have to lose Neil _again_. All he wanted was to hold Neil in his arms and keep him safe. Neil who was already an incredibly competent agent. Neil who was already the kindest person he’s ever met. Neil who looked at him with affection and trust that he didn’t deserve.

David had no right to deny the Neil he knew his past, especially since Neil spoke so fondly of it, so he tried to be the best friend Neil could ever ask for. It wasn’t exactly a hardship, since Neil was still the same incredible person he met all those years ago. David vowed to keep his feelings for him a secret. Neil was very clear about the kind of relationship they shared – _for me this is the end of a beautiful friendship_. So no one was more surprised than David when one day they ended up in bed together.

They were spending their evening together in his apartment, just sitting and talking while the TV played idly in the background. It wasn’t an unusual setting for them – David could admit that Neil did, in fact, become his dearest friend, even though every cell in his body was screaming with the want of something more. David’s only hope was that Neil had no idea. He didn’t want to burden him with that information. He didn’t want Neil to feel awkward or uncomfortable around him, he didn’t think he would be able to handle it. That evening they were sitting together on the floor with their backs to the couch, just talking and sharing a bottle of wine, forgotten mission reports scattered all over the floor.

Neil looked beautiful like that – a little bit loose from the alcohol, with his cheeks flushed and his hair a mess, looking at David with a big smile on his face as he went on about physics. David was always happy to listen to him ramble, even if he didn’t understand exactly what Neil was talking about. He was aware of his own smile turning dopey the more Neil talked. He couldn’t help it, Neil just had that effect on him.

Suddenly, Neil stopped mid-sentence and squinted at him. David held his gaze when Neil looked at him with _something_ in his eyes, something David couldn’t decipher. The next thing he knew they were kissing, the wine and the conversation long forgotten. David knew they shouldn’t be doing this, he knew this was a terrible idea, and that Neil was probably drunk and would regret it in the morning. But David was only human, and he spent years being in love with Neil. He was too weak to deny himself that one night of pleasure. He would do damage control in the morning. Right now he would just let himself get lost in the sensation of Neil’s hands all over his body and his mouth on his. Neil turned out to be just as tender with him in bed, as he was always with him in life. It made David feel wanted, and _cared about_ , which in turn threatened to make him tear up then and there. Neil looked a little frantic himself, and soon after David was no longer second-guessing himself or thinking about anything at all.

In the morning David woke up to find Neil staring at him. His hair was an even bigger mess than the night before, he was curled up on his side on the other end of the bed, watching David with that _something_ in his eyes again. If David didn’t know any better, he would say Neil looked almost melancholic. For the first time in a long time, David had no idea what to say. He didn’t want to have to talk about his feelings for Neil. Should he just treat it as a one night stand? Should he offer Neil breakfast? Should they even talk about it? Maybe it would be better if they just ignored it altogether, pretended it never happened? Blamed it on being drunk? David was at a loss, and Neil wasn’t helping, still looking at him with the same unreadable expression. David opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. At the same time he watched Neil tense and his eyes screw shut for a second. Neil looked like he was preparing himself to go into battle, which did nothing to calm David’s nerves. Neil was clearly regretting it. Or maybe he figured out David’s feelings for him, and didn’t want to hear them said out loud. The thought threatened to break David’s heart. He couldn’t have this conversation, he wouldn’t survive it. So he did the next logical thing – pretended that this was just a meaningless, fun night for him. Just two friends letting off some steam, no hidden feelings. He steeled himself, made sure that his voice sounded lighthearted, and asked:

“Should we do that again sometime?” he hoped his voice sounded convincing, and not like his heart was breaking into a thousand little pieces.

David swore he saw Neil flinch momentarily, and he looked almost crestfallen, but it was gone in a second, and instead a tense-looking smile took over Neil’s face. He hesitated for a second.

“Sure,” he agreed, but he sounded odd. “I’m gonna go take a shower,” he added as an afterthought and quickly got up and shuffled into the bathroom, picking his clothes up on the way.

The moment David heard the water running, he covered his face with his hands. _Fuck_. He really hoped he didn’t just fuck up the _beautiful friendship_ they had. He would never forgive himself if he did. He’d rather have Neil as a friend, always just a little bit out of reach, than not have him at all. He hoped his nonchalant proposition was enough to convince Neil that it was all just a bit of fun for him, that he wasn’t irrevocably in love with him. Neil didn’t need that kind of burden in his life.

David was brought back to reality at the sound of the bathroom door opening. He didn’t even hear Neil turn the water off, which should be alarming, especially for someone with his background. Neil has always had a way of making him lower his inhibitions. David took a deep breath, plastered a fake smile on his face that he hoped looked real and waited for Neil to open the door to his bedroom. When Neil stepped into the room he looked way more put together and at ease. He was wearing last night’s clothes, but his hair was no longer a mess and he held himself differently. He glanced at David and smiled the same melancholic, yet open smile David grew accustomed to over the past two years or so. Even though the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, David could cry with relief. Maybe he didn’t fuck everything up, maybe they would be able to move on past this.

Neil picked up his phone from the night stand and looked at the screen. “I should probably get going, but if we do decide to ever do it again, we will probably have to come up with some ground rules.”

David froze. He had no idea if he would be able to actually do it again. A single one night stand is one thing, but being friends with benefits with the person you’re in love with is another thing altogether. David had no idea if his heart could take it – having Neil so close, but not really having him at all. But he had to play the part. In for a penny, in for a pound. He was the one who started this. If he could never have Neil in the way he wanted to, maybe at least he could have this.

“What do you have in mind?” he asked, hoping that his voice didn’t betray how nervous he felt.

“You know, the general rules for that sort of thing,” Neil said quickly, not looking at him.

“Okay… what are the general rules for that sort of thing?” David asked, truly perplexed. Neil chuckled, but it didn’t sound very happy. He also didn’t raise his eyes from where he was having what looked like a staring contest with the floor. Before David could ponder on it, however, Neil continued.

“Something along the lines of ‘no feelings, no staying the night, no dates, and it’s over when we meet the right person’ probably,” Neil informed him, but he sounded tense.

“Right. That should be… easy,” David tried to reassure him, even though it hurt him more than he thought it would. He really didn’t want to be having this conversation.

“Y-yeah, easy,” Neil mumbled. “I should really get going. I’ll see you at the office?” Neil asked, and glanced at him for the first time in what felt like hours. He put his phone in his pocket and rushed out of the room without saying goodbye, as if he really couldn’t wait to get out of there. David didn’t go after him, he really didn’t have the strength to do so. He heard his front door close, and he flopped back onto the bed. _Fuck_. The only thing he could do now was pray that Neil didn’t suspect anything.

There was something about Neil that David couldn’t put his finger on. Neil’s been acting different recently, and if David’s being honest with himself, something changed in Neil about two years ago, and David couldn’t figure out what it was. As far as he knew nothing major happened in Neil’s life in those four years he worked for him. When he first recruited Neil he was so amazed by everything, so bright-eyed and eager to please. At first, David tried to keep things professional, but he quickly learned that it would be impossible. One could never really keep things professional with the person who changed their life in a way Neil changed his. Especially, if one was _in love_ with this person the way he was in love with Neil. David never fell in love easily. All of his crushes have been pretty scarce before. Then he joined the CIA and the thoughts of falling in love seemed like a foreign concept to him. There was always the next mission, a new threat, or _something_ that demanded his attention, not to mention the fact that it was really hard to find someone you could trust and really connect with in this line of business. That’s why David was pretty sure he has never been in love before Neil, which in turn meant that there was definitely no keeping things professional. The moment he accepted it, him and Neil became an unstoppable duo in and out of the field. After some time though, something in Neil changed. He looked at him differently than at the very beginning. Gone was the child-like wonder, replaced by something different, that one thing David could not name. For a while David feared that Neil might suspect something about the exact reason why he was recruited, or even worse – that he somehow suspected that David had feelings for him. But Neil didn’t _act_ all that different. He was still very tactile with him, he was still kind and affectionate, he still wanted to spend time with him, so David crossed both of those possibilities out.

David didn’t think Neil would ever take him up on his offer, but to his great surprise Neil called him about two weeks after what David started calling The Incident in his head, asking if his offer still stands. Neil sounded nervous, and his voice had a hysterical edge to it. David wasn’t a stupid man, he knew that Neil was probably worked up about something and needed to take the edge off. He didn’t really surprise himself with how quickly he agreed. He was only human after all. He could only be presented with something he so deeply craved a number of times before he gave in.

After that night there would be another one, and another one, and soon they would find themselves tangled together in bed at least once a week. It was heaven and hell combined, and David never wanted it to end. He dreaded thinking about the day Neil would eventually break things off because he found someone special, or because he simply got bored with David. Fortunately, for now, it didn’t seem like it would happen anytime soon. David could admit to himself that he wanted to spend as much time with Neil as possible. This is why he constantly made excuses to meet up. But Neil texted him just as often as he texted Neil. Their arrangement worked. So what if sometimes David wanted to just spend time with Neil, and not only fuck him into the mattress. He could get some semblance of a real relationship if he just pretended that he accidentally made too much food that they could share before moving to the bedroom, or that he needed some physics theory explained to him _yet again_. And Neil always showed up. Even if it was 2am, even if they just got back from a hard mission, even if he looked deep in thought about something else. He never declined his offer and neither has David. He would take any moment with Neil he could get.

It all worked, until it didn’t. David was officially having a horrible day. He was tired, irritated and dejected. His mission was a total disaster, he lost two agents, and he couldn’t tell anyone about it, because no one at Tenet was supposed to know about this mission yet. On days like that David would usually be haunted by the memories of Neil’s death, only adding to the guilt he’s already been feeling. When he looked at the mess he made in the kitchen while trying to make dinner, he knew he should probably go to bed and call it a day. He looked at his phone and hesitated. There was one thing he wanted to do more than go to sleep. He wanted Neil to hold him in his arms, because even if he couldn’t tell the man anything, Neil just always made him feel safe and understood. David really missed him. Missed him today, but mostly just missed him in general. Missed talking to him and just spending time together, not having to come up with excuses to meet for a quick fuck. He missed his friend.

David made his decision and pressed the dial button. Neil picked up on the second ring.

“Hello?” David’s first thought was that Neil sounded incredibly tired and he immediately felt guilty.

“Did I wake you?” he asked.

“No, no, I’m just going over some paperwork. What’s up?” Neil asked, but he didn’t sound any less tired.

“I was wondering if you had time tonight. Do you want to meet up?” David hated how awkward he sounded. Even though they’ve been doing it for months that part has never gotten any less awkward and uncomfortable for him.

“Oh yeah, sure, I can be there in 10? The paperwork can wait another day. It’s not like my boss is gonna kill me if I don’t show up with it at work tomorrow, huh?” Neil said in that playful tone that David loved. He smiled involuntarily. God, he loved the man.

“I think he’s going to give you a pass this time. He’s nice like that,” he said and he heard Neil chuckle on the other end.

“He sure is.” David could hear the smile in Neil’s voice. “See you in ten,” Neil said as he hung up, and David found that he couldn’t stop smiling for the entire time it took for Neil to finally show up at his apartment door. Neil just had that effect on him. It was only when he heard the knock on his door that he remembered about the mess he left in the kitchen. He mentally cursed himself for not thinking about it before Neil showed up.

When he opened the door he was greeted with the sight of Neil looking just as tired as he had sounded over the phone. David was pretty sure he could make out the bags under his eyes. Neil was obviously dead on his feet, but he still showed up so the least David could do was show him a good time.

“Hi, come on in, get yourself comfortable, I just need to clean the mess I’ve made in the kitchen, I’ll just be a minute. Do you want anything?” David mentally cringed at himself for being so awkward _yet again_. God, what was happening to him?

Neil didn’t seem to notice though, as he smiled the soft smile David loved so much. He took of his jacket and his shoes and left them at the door. “I’m good. Shall I just wait in the bedroom?”

“Yes, please. I’ll be right back,” David mumbled and rushed to the kitchen.

David’s thoughts were preoccupied with Neil even as he was putting pots and pans in their rightful places. Neil looked really tired today. Maybe David could coax him into staying the night afterwards. For his own comfort of course, so that he could rest. It’s not like they’ve never broken any of their rules before. They had dinner together a few times before moving to the bedroom, which, David suspected, wasn’t in line with the “no dates” rule they established. He knew Neil didn’t really treat those times as dates, but to David they were really special. He could almost pretend as if they were in a real relationship. The “no feelings” rule was a joke on his end from the very beginning, not that Neil would ever know it. So what was one more rule broken? Especially if Neil was as tired as he seemed. David didn’t want him to have to try and get home in that state, in the middle of the night. He would try to gently persuade Neil into staying the night. He was ever ready to leave him sleeping in his bed, while he moved to the couch. He could drop Neil off at his apartment in the morning before they went to work. It seemed like a solid, justified plan.

Once everything in the kitchen was more or less taken care of, David took a deep breath and moved into the direction of his bedroom. Somehow, Neil still made him feel nervous sometimes, which should be ridiculous since they’ve known each other for years. David was thinking about how to start the conversation when he stepped into the bedroom and froze.

Neil was lying in his bed, fast asleep. His face was smashed against the pillow, his hair wild, and falling into his eyes. His face was slack with sleep, his mouth slightly parted. He was curled up on his side, facing the middle of the bed. He looked so incredibly tired and so incredibly innocent that David felt his heart melt at the sight. Neil looked _adorable_. This was exactly what David has always wanted – to have Neil safe and happy in his personal space, to share those little moments with him, to be able to watch him sleep, without it being weird, to make him breakfast in the morning and to fall asleep with Neil beside him.

He didn’t want to disturb Neil, but he appeared to be sleeping deeply. He must have really been exhausted. David picked up the comforter and gently covered Neil with it, careful not to wake him up, but the man didn’t even stir. David really hoped Neil would sleep until the morning, not only because he loved having him there, but also because Neil really looked like he needed the sleep.

David tiptoed to the bathroom to change into a T-shirt and sweatpants, and when he came back, he noticed that Neil pulled the comforter more tightly around himself. David smiled. He really wanted to drill it into his memory. He walked gently to the other side of the bed and slid under the covers as quietly as possible. He propped his back against the headboard, turning slightly in Neil’s direction. He took in his friend’s sleeping face, how innocent and relaxed it looked, and he felt his heart beat faster in his chest. He only hesitated for a moment before he brushed some hair from Neil’s face. His heart soared when he felt Neil lean into the touch.

“God, I love you,” David whispered into the quiet room. He could allow himself to do so, since Neil wouldn’t be able to hear him anyway. He watched him sleep for a few more minutes, before he decided to go to sleep himself, before he did something stupid, like kiss Neil’s forehead. He turned on his side, facing Neil and closed his eyes.

David was woken up by something shifting beside him, and he was instantly alert. He has always been a light sleeper, it was a useful thing, especially in their line of business. The room was illuminated softly by the moonlight. The clock on his bedside table showed 3:50 am, which meant him and Neil slept for a few hours. David looked over to see Neil blinking himself awake, looking disoriented and still very, very sleepy. He made a confused sound at the back of his throat and raised his head from where it’s been resting on the pillow. David felt his heartrate starting to pick up. He really didn’t want to do damage control now, he thought he would have more time.

“Go back to sleep,” he whispered, hoping that it would be enough for Neil to listen to him in his disoriented state, but Neil had other ideas. David watched Neil’s eyes go wide, and his shoulders go tense.

“Oh fuck, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I fell asleep. Why didn’t you wake me up?” he rambled, as he started to sit up. David panicked.

“Hey, come on, lie back down. It’s almost 4 am, go back to sleep. It’s okay,” he tried to reassure Neil the best he could. Neil sagged, turned over so that he was lying on his back and looking at the ceiling. He ran his hands over his face.

“I’m sorry,” Neil repeated. He sounded really weird, but David couldn’t figure out why. Was it the fact that he just woke up, or that he woke up next to David, when that’s clearly something Neil wanted to avoid?

“It’s okay, Neil. You must have been exhausted. I’m glad you got some sleep,” David smiled at him, even if Neil couldn’t see it with his hands still covering his face. It was starting to get a little alarming.

“Hey, you okay?” he asked.

“I should get going,” Neil mumbled.

“What? Right now? It’s 4 am. Just stay here till the morning.”

“I really shouldn’t,” Neil whispered. “At least for my own sanity,” he said, and that _something_ was back in his voice. David had no idea what to make of it.

“What do you mean?” David asked, but Neil didn’t answer. Instead, he slid his hands into his hair and tugged. His eyes remained screwed shut.

“Neil?” David was really starting to get worried.

“I –” Neil started and cut himself off abruptly. He opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling again, carefully avoiding any eye contact with David. “I don’t think I can do this anymore,” he whispered, almost inaudibly.

David felt his blood run cold. He was afraid this would happen one day, but he didn’t think it would be this soon. He wasn’t prepared for this. For Neil to leave, or to find someone else, or to just get tired of him. If he had known that their last time together would truly be their last time ever, he would have prepared himself for it somehow. Now he just felt thrown off balance.

“Why?” he asked carefully, as if talking to a spooked animal, since Neil looked ready to bolt at any moment.

“What do you mean why? You know why,” Neil glanced at him for half a second, and he looked really angry and heartbroken at once. David has never heard Neil sound more bitter. Something was clearly really, really amiss, but David had no idea what he did wrong.

“I really don’t. You need to tell me, I cannot read your mind,” David said quietly. Neil sighed and moved. He sat up and leaned against the headboard, bringing his knees close to this chest, as he rested his elbows on his knees. His hands went back into his hair, which was now an even bigger mess than before. David sat up too, moving to the center of the bed, sitting on his knees, turning towards Neil, trying to catch his eye, but Neil was clearly avoiding any and all eye contact with him.

“I can’t keep coming here, getting to have you for a few hours, and then leaving like I don’t –” Neil sounded more and more choked up, and David was starting to get more and more confused, but no less worried.

“You don’t have to leave, you can stay the night anytime –”

“Stop it,” Neil cut him off and it sounded vaguely threatening. “I mean it. You’ve never been a cruel person, why are you saying that to me?” his voice cracked at the end.

“Neil, I really have no idea what you’re talking about. You need to help me out here.”

“You know how much I love you,” he chuckled humorlessly. “Everyone knows. And when you proposed this… arrangement, I thought I could do it. I really did. At least I would have you in some way. But I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t do it, I’m not strong enough to get my heart broken every other night, when I’ve been in love with you for years,” David has never heard Neil sound more upset. “And I know me breaking things off is inconvenient, but god damnit, you can’t just tell me that I can stay the night, when it means nothing to you, like I’m some kind of charity case. That’s cruel,” he choked out angrily as he tried to get off the bed.

 _Shit_. David definitely did not see that coming. He was torn between the overwhelming feeling of happiness at the fact that somehow, miraculously, Neil seemed to love him too, and the absolute heartbreak at the entire situation. Neil looked and sounded like he was in actual physical pain at his admission. His body was tense, and even though he tried to hide his eyes from him, David could see that they were red from trying to hold back tears. He looked miserable, and it was all David’s fault.

“Wait!” he shouted and grabbed Neil’s hand, terrified that if he let him go now, somehow, he would never see him again. Neil tried to pull his hand away from David’s grip, and David felt like he totally lost control over the entire situation. Neil was standing next to the bed now, completely turned away from David, pointedly not looking in his direction. David noticed that Neil’s hands started to shake.

“Please, wait. Just let me explain, please,” he begged. “Just hear me out, and if by the end of it you still want to leave, I won’t stop you. Just give me five minutes.” Neil said nothing, but sat back down on the bed, which David counted as a win.

He took Neil in – from the tense posture, the red, watery eyes, the shaking hands, to the way he refused to make eye contact, and he felt his heart break. It all made so much sense now. All the looks Neil gave him that David could never decipher. The fact that he always found Neil already looking at him whenever he glanced in his direction. The way Neil would always do everything and anything in his power to keep him safe, even if it meant putting himself in danger. That fucking _something_ in his voice that kept David awake at nights. The weird longing in his eyes. Jesus Christ, David was a fucking idiot. He was too blinded by his own feelings to realize that they were reflected right back at him the entire time. The fact that Neil really thought that David could never love him this way made his heart ache. Maybe David should have seen this coming. Neil was crazy competent and self-assured when it came to work, but when it came to his personal life he always seemed a little bit insecure. David had no idea how unsure he _actually_ was, right until this moment. Neil’s hands were digging into his thighs and David never wanted to hold his hand more in his life, but he was afraid that right now, it would only spook Neil further. David turned around so that he was facing him completely from where he was sitting.

“Neil, I had no idea you were in love with me until you just told me, I swear. You have to believe me, I had no idea,” he paused, trying to think of what to say next. He needed to be smart about it so as not to hurt Neil any more. He felt more than he heard Neil’s sharp intake of breath.

“Great,” he said. “So I just fucking said all that for no reason, and now you know, great.”

“Neil, I would never lead you on like this if I had known,” David tried to assure him again, but he quickly realized it was the wrong thing to say, because judging by Neil’s reaction he took it as further, definite rejection. His bottom lip trembled, and a few stray tears escaped from his eyes. Neil bit his lip angrily, seemingly to try and stop it from trembling. He also didn’t completely manage to conceal the sob that escaped him. David needed to think fast. He decided to just go for it, he couldn’t fuck it all up more than he already had, especially with the way Neil was tearing up more and more.

“Hey, no. Neil, look at me,” he took his face gently in his hands and forced Neil to look at him. “I love you too. I’m _in_ love with you too. I was always too afraid to tell you. I’m so sorry, I had no idea you were feeling this way,” David explained. Neil looked utterly confused, so David repeated, “I love you.”

Neil’s bottom lip trembled again. “You do?” he asked, and David couldn’t handle how unsure and innocent he sounded.

“I do. I’ve loved you for years. I love you more than anything in this world. I promised myself to never tell you, because I was too afraid of losing you ag- of losing you. I was just scared and stupid, I’m sorry,” he said and he wiped a few new tears from Neil’s face with his thumbs. “Please don’t cry anymore,” he pleaded. He hated seeing Neil upset. However, his little plea seemed to do Neil in, because he let out a choked off sob, then another one, and then he was crying for real.

“Aw, shit, Neil,” David whispered, as he wrapped his arms around Neil and pulled him close, Neil’s head immediately falling into the crook of his neck.

“I’m sorry,” Neil choked out.

“No, it’s okay. You’re okay, I’ve got you,” David assured him as he squeezed him harder and rubbed his back comfortingly. _God, what a clusterfuck_ , he thought. He kissed the back of Neil’s head from where it was nestled against his neck. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” Neil choked out, but he sounded like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

To his own horror, David felt himself tear up too. He couldn’t believe he got to be this lucky, even if it was not for forever. He could still have _years_ with Neil, not that he would ever stop trying to find a way to save Neil from his fate. They could have years together, and to think that they almost fucked it all up because they couldn’t see what was right in front of them was quite scary.

David maneuvered them both so that they were lying back in bed, with Neil curled around him and his face still hidden in David’s neck. David would start getting worried yet again if he couldn’t hear Neil’s breathing starting to even out. He continued to rub his back soothingly. Finally, after a minute or two Neil raised his head and looked at David.

“Sorry about that.” His cheeks were wet, his face red and snotty. He was the most beautiful thing David has ever seen.

“You’re good. You’re _perfect_ ,” David blushed at his own admission, but it was worth it when he saw a shy smile appear on Neil’s face. He really couldn’t believe his luck. If he thought about it any longer he would tear up himself. He felt overwhelmed by the sheer force and strength of his feelings for Neil. He has never felt this way about anyone.

“I love you. You’re everything,” David watched Neil’s cheeks turn red at the admission and he smiled.

“I love you too,” Neil answered, and for the first time that evening, the words didn’t sound pained. David found that he really couldn’t stop smiling, but he didn’t care. Not when he had Neil here with him, safe, sound, and just completely _his_.

David rested their foreheads together and felt Neil close his eyes for a second.

“Can I kiss you?” Neil asked.

“Always,” he answered and melted when Neil kissed him softly. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3 Comments and kudos give me a dose of serotonin, and if you have any headcanons PLEASE do share them with me.


End file.
